Been there,done that,moved on

Been there, done that, moved on

 There are times in our lives, when we must stop for a while - to take a deep breath, count your losses, lick your wounds and move on.
It seems to me, that now it is my time to do exactly that.
When you try hard enough something, and despite all your efforts, you are not going anywhere, or worse-you are going backwards, it is time to give up.
There is nothing wrong with that, giving up, once you are in peace with yourself that you tried hard enough. There is no point running straight towards the brick wall, hurting yourself and wasting all the precious energy on something, that doesn' t work out. It is meaningless, and it takes a toll on you, and it is not worth it.
So, you stop, you regain the energy back, you lick your wounds, no matter how long it takes, and you move on.
You gotta move on, you can't stay still and be afraid of living, even though your scars are not healed yet.
If some formula doesn't work out, you learn your lesson, and you try something else.
You try and try and try, until you find that formula, that fits like a glove.
Once you find it, you hold on to that, and put your energies to make it work for you.
It means labour, it means sacrifices, it means putting it all out there, it means to be fearless.
But if you have the courage, the guts to do that, you will be rewarded, and all your hard work and risks had paid off.
If you don't do anything,in the fear of getting hurt, you gain nothing. You remain in the same spot, you stop learning and growing, you get paralyzed by your own ghosts.

I love life, and I live it with all the emotions I have in me. I never do anything halfway, holding back, I always go 110% with full speed,no hand brakes.
And it is quite certain,that when one lives like this, and if there is a crash about to happen, it ain't a pretty sight.
But somewhere, out of that smoke and wreckage, you can see a silhoutte of a person, to raise up, shaken and injured, but slowly lifting up on her wings like a Fenix....
The flame in her heart lifts her up, everytime. It has happened before, and it will happen again.
She doesn't give up. She believes in herself, she believes in the power of dreams, and she never quits.
She is scarred, but she is determined to move on.
As long as there is heartbeat on her, as long as she still breaths, she carries on, and she does it full heartedly.
Life is precious, it is here and now, and she is about the live it like there is no tomorrow.

 

November, this ain't a love letter

    Why, oh why do you have to arrive  every year?

 Why do you always wear the same gloomy jacket, bringing only darkness and sucking all the day light the moment you arrive?

Why are you so cold, wet, spooky, miserable?
Is there any chance that you could sometimes, at least once every five years, be sunny and warm and cheerful?

If that's not possible, maybe you could skip a year, not arrive at all? 

That would be okay too.
I don't mind the fall, when the trees are wearing their colourful clothes parading on the autumn lights - that's pretty cool actually. 

I don't mind the first frost on the grass, the crispy air ,that' s refreshing.
I can even handle the winter itself, the snow and the freezing temperatures..I don't like it, but I can deal with it.

But what I can't deal with, is you, November.
When you come, the light goes, the warmth is gone,there is just a whole lot of nothingness...and every year the same package...

   Don't you think,that you could find it a little bit overwhelming to me, to deal with this year after year after year.....

  I am pretty fed up with you,to be honest.

 You make me all cranky and behaving like a mad cow, getting agitated and irritated for no good reason. 

I don't like myself when you arrive, you have bad influence on me.
So please, could you cut me some slack, or is that too much to ask?

Or at least could you let the trees keep their lovely colourful clothes just  a little bit longer? What's the master plan ripping them off too,since you don't seem to have anything better to replace them with?

Could you maybe consider bringing the big blanket of snow when you arrive, or is it too heavy load to carry with you?

Yeah, I warned you, this ain't a love song, far from that actually.
But I am glad that you will soon be gone again, giving room to December, which is a whole different story, but I get to that one later.

November, you gloomy little devil, I wish you a good journey back to wherever it is you came from in the first place.

 I can't say that I will miss you when you leave, but I know that no matter how hard I wish,

you just keep coming back, every year...until then:
So long, adios and arrivederci, don't let the door hit you when you leave.

( photos © Anneli Laulumaa )

Honesty and trust

Honesty and trust - are they just empty words or do they actually mean something to someone?????

  I am quite a private person, and has become even more private during last years. I don't open up easily, and I am a bit reserved as well. I might at some point find myself trusting someone enough to share my life,or parts of it, and that is a  lot, coming from me. On most occasions, however, I remain reserved and stay on the shadows.
 
There are few very important values, rules of life, I follow strictly myself, and expect nothing less than that from people I interact with.
Honesty and trust!!!!!!!!
Those words are my guiding lights through this thing we call life.
If I trust you enough to tell you anything about my life, please don't pay it back with betraying my trust...you never get it back again,that is a fact.
Confidentiality - what a fancy word, usually associated with top secret highly flammable governmental decisions etc....
For me, it goes without saying, that when someone talks to me or write to me, opens up about anything, it remains between that person and myself.
Silly me, naive, to think,that it goes both ways. I can't believe, that I still have to draw a picture to someone, to actually having to  underline this very fact, that when I share something with that person, it should stay in that person's knowledge. It is not to be told to anybody else, no matter how insignificant the discussed topic might have been by the listener.
Why is this SO hard to understand?? Why is it SO hard to respect these few things I ask: honesty and trust??

 I am, thankfully, lucky to have few very close friends in my life, who I trust my whole life with. I know,that they never betray that trust, never break that bond what had been built over years. And I am quite certain they know, that I keep my part of that invisible seal what is made.

It is clearly seen, that today in this western society, the material values have pushed aside the moral values, which don't seem to matter so much. It doesn' t take much observation to notice, that cold hard cash and success makes people turn the blind eye to things, that are not so " hip" and " cool".
All the tabloids screams out which celebrity has the fanciest car and biggest house etc...
It is also seen in politics, that when achieving the power, it is all or nothing, the golden rules of respect and decency are shattered, just to get to the top, for no matter what the cost is. The game is brutal, and it has nothing to do with humanity or dignity, everything is for sale and there is no such things as honesty or confidentiality in it.
The competitors dig dirt and have no shame of using even the most private things of the other one, just as long as it justifies the means....to reach the goal.

I have been accused to be naive, too sensitive and many other ways, because I find this way how society plays, ugly and unfair.
I find myself taking more and more refuge in solitude, being close to nature, and interacting with animals- and shutting myself from people.
I am responsible of my own happiness and responsible of my own protection, there is no-one else to rely on this, it's up to me.
So, since I don' cross the busy street on red lights, why would I let someone into my life, whom I can't trust?
Yes, I am sensitive, highly sensitive, also strongly introvert, but those are not negative attributes on my opinion, and most certainly those personality traits are not harmful for other people.
That's who I am, and since I still want to be able to look myself at the mirror every night without being ashamed of myself, I keep on holding tight on those two things that matter: trust and honesty.

Time- luxury worth spending wisely

Time - luxury worth spending wisely

 It is a funny thing, time. When you are waiting for something or someone, time crawls by, so slowly that you hear your hair growing. But once you are having a great time or need something to be done, then it takes a good leap and just gallops away, leaving a trail of dust behind.
Time can be our enemy or our best friend, and we all put different value to it. But we all have it the same: 24 hours a day, 7 days in a week, 52 weeks in a year - it is up to our own individual choices, what we plan to use it for.
I have become very familiar with time. When I am on the road, I get to spend quite amount of hours waiting - bus to leave, ferry to take off etc....
Sometimes it's just a short wait, goes effortlessly, without even noticing it.
And then there are these marathons of waiting, where you have nothing but time....hours after hours after hours....
First you read and listen music, and write. Time goes faster when you have something to eat and drink as well, at least it feels like that.
If there is luck, you might be able to use internet, watch movies and surf in the facebook etc....
But at some point you lose the track of time, you stare the floor tiles and count them so many times that your eyes are teary. You follow the other passengers, what they do and where they go, wondering about what kind of lives they are living and all those sort of things.
Then you take a look at the clock on the wall, just to realize that it is only five minutes more since last time you checked at it..
Snacks are gone, you carefully check your pulse just in case you have fell to an eternal sleep while waiting.
Nope, still alive, time for coffee....
And after that third cup, time for wee....if I walk slowly to the toilet, I may be able to spend a good 5 minutes on this trip.
    Yes, the luxury of time 😉.
Sometimes it's good to be bored, it tests the patience. Not everybody has a lot of spare time to themselves, not enough to get bored at least.
There are people ,who are busy all the time, or so it seems. They go around like tiny ants, never stopping, they probably sleep their eyes open, so they don't miss anything. They keep going like there is no tomorrow.
But this is not a competition, how we each decide to use our time, nobody keeps the scores, nobody is titled to be a winner.
We just have to make the most of it,what we have gotten. We never know, when the sand has poured through the time glass, nobody has that chrystal ball.
So.....before our heart makes the last pump, before we take our last breath, let's celebrate the life and the time we have here - each and all of us, in the unique ways we choose to.

Lost - and found

  Lost - and found
     We all gotta do something to make a living, to bring the bread to the table, don't we?
And since we spend quite a big portion of our lives at work, it would be pretty neat, if you find a job, that you actually like...agreed?? Yes, I thought so.
I have never been very career orientated nor had this one big passion in my life to guide me, because I am curious about so many things.
However, out of many of my interests, I made one of them my job, that would be food and wines.
No, I am not a chef, I am a waiter.
Yeah I know what you think, anybody can do that, what kind of career is that?
Well, first of all, not anybody can do that, that's a fact. And secondly, even if it's so, so what?
I am not going to start opening up the secrets of being an excellent waiter, I am getting to the tracks when and where I lost my motivation and how did I find it.

  Somewhere along the line being refused of a job the hundred time in a row, I started to question if there was something seriously wrong with me. The seed of self- doubt had been sowed, and it grew so rapidly as a mushroom in the rain. My self- confidence was breaking apart like the Berlin wall, piece by piece. And at the same time while I was waving good-bye to my self-confidence, I was also holding a bon voyage party to my motivation, to my passion of food and to my will of working in that field.
What was left, when all that was gone? Well, not much really. Just the ruins and a very confused woman standing in front of the ruins.
A battle began, the long road to discovery was about to start. And knowing myself, the roads I pick, are never easy...quite the contrary.
There were many crossroads, many wrong turns, that all turned out to be dead-ends.
Then there were hills and curves and rocky roads, plenty of that to wore the wanderer out completely. But right when I thought that there was no energy left on my body, and that this is it for me, endless wandering in the darkness, when I was just about thinking to give up, I gave it one more effort. I pushed everything I had in me, clawed myself out of that deep hole I was about fall in, and pulled myself back to light.
I was given a sudden opportunity, out of nowhere, when I least expected it, and I took it. I held on to this opportunity with my both hands, like my life was depending on it, and just like in a goid movie, I rise to occasion and succeeded...
And then and there, pretty far away from where I once lost it, I found my motivation again.
There, in this tiny, busy kitchen, I also found my passion for food again, and that self-confidence, all those guys were back in my life again, and I promised to hold on tight to them.
Yeah, sometimes one must take drastic moves and even longest of journeys, if it's necessary to keep that sparkle in life and find that passion- which for me is the life itself, with all the flavours and aromas it can possibly cook for me.

I do......or do I????

I do ............. or do I ?????

  Just a little while ago I had the honor to be present in a very special occasion, that being a wedding of a dear friend of mine.
There she was - right beside her man, in front of all their loved ones, promising to be by his side in good days and bad days, in sickness and in health...you know the drill....looking so beautiful that my eyes hurt. The way how she looked at her new husband after I do's, was something else...
There was no doubt in my mind,that this couple wouldn't stand behind those wows,what they just little while ago gave to one another. I knew then, and I know, that no matter what happens, they will stick to those words and stay together till the end of world.
And that's a lot coming from me, I must admit that the life has made me a bit cynical what comes to love stories.I have hard time to believe in that stuff, but in this occasion I am more than happy to be proved wrong, and it actually gives a bit of hope that there can be happily ever after's.
So I most certainly, from the bottom of my heart, wish them all the best ❤.
They made a commitment to each others.

Commitment - what does it mean? I checked it out from dictionary, the definition of commitment.
Here's what it means: Commitment in plain english means, that one is willing to give his/her time and effort to something he/she believes in.
   This of course can be anything from commitment to your partner to commitment to a special project etc....
It can be an athlete's commitment to train hard for next olympics, live and breath to just for that specific moment to give up everything else to just reach that goal.
It can be a young student's commitment to study hard to be accepted to university to become a doctor what she/he wanted to be ever since childhood.

Whatever the commitment is, it is always personal, and always important. It is absolutely imperative, that no-one else undermine's this, only because it differs from their own goals and dreams they are aiming for.

I must admit,that at some dark moments, I have been guilty of questioning someone else's goals, and for that I am sorry, and can only be a better persion tomorrow.
However, I have also been a victim of this very same sin - my commitments have been severely questioned and undermined during last years, it doesn't matter who does it, it still hurts.

I don' t have very fancy or noble goals or achievements I would like to reach, my dreams and goals hardly make the top story let alone gets me the Nobel prize.
But I have always wowed to be honest in everything I do and say, and also true to myself, being genuinely exactly who I am. That is a commitment as well, and that I have wowed to honor.

In this life, where we are bornt, what we live now, we are never ready, we are never there -
But as it goes in arts, never judge an unfinished piece.

I am not not there, I am not done, but I am still a masterpiece of who I am- today, in this light, with these shades.

Simplicity - and when did that became a curse?

Simplicity - and when did that became a curse?

  Homo sapiens, supposingly the most intelligent species on this planet. Now there's something to question and argue about, and personally I highly doubt that.
But this time I concentrate to one thing, that being the word " simple".
At what point this became more a curse than a good thing?
Why do we make everything so complicated, when it all really could be just easy and simple?
Is there something fundamentally wrong about it, if one wants to have a simple life?? No drama, no bullshit, no nonsense, just plain simple.
Why do we do things hard way, if we can find an alternative to that, the easier way?
Are we worried, that we don't learn the life's important lessons, if we keep our own lives too simple, if we don't suffer enough to get what we want etc...??
If something is achieved with less effort and pain, is that less valued among others?

We are a very odd species, that is for sure, no doubt about it.
I have couple good examples to shine some light to this whole thing I'm on about.

Relationships - I'm a single myself, have been that a good 6 years, and enjoying it a lot, since for me being on my own is not a misery or something to get rid off.
However, I have had an opportunity to follow fairly closely this today's single life and datings and putting yourself out there.
And let me tell you this boys and girls, things have changed a lot while I was married, and not for the better...hell no ....quite the contrary...

What a circus it is nowadays, so many rules and so many hidden rules, it's like a freaking rocket science, that's what it is.
And when social media took part on this dating market with all the different groups and internet dating pages, then it really exploded...
I mean ..seriously....how the heck our parents and grandparents ever found their loved ones, they didn't have all these helpful internet appliances for that.😉?
How did they ever became from single to married, or got themselves to a date, no tinder or anything during those times????
I miss those times, that simplicity, it wasn't so complicated back then...or was it?
So back to the recent time....why do we make everything so hard? Even meeting new people? Going out for a simple date nowadays seem to require more preparations than getting ready to presidential debate on tv ( well....it depends of the candidate😄).
The whole thing is analyzed to bits before the date has actually even picked you up.
In parades the what if's and should I and could I etc....
And you can consider yourself lucky to get to that point in the first place, going out on a date that is.
The process starts way before that..the oh so familiar analyzing.
It starts there on the internet....the meat-market, where everyone is putting themselves with a brave smile and hoping to find that famous soulmate..
And everybody says that they don't have any list of criterias, but after listening/reading a bit more, the list of criterias have appeared and is not that short after all...
Well....could we just forget all those lists and meet new people with curiosity and open minds? Keep it simple, it can't possible get any worse than it already is...

Now back to that other example....
I know, that is a juicy topic we just talked about earlier, and I will get back to it another time.

Simple life...
If you don't enjoy digging on the garden, why buy a house? If you like less cleaning, and you don't own a car, you don't like that gardening, then the only thing that make sense, is to live in a apartment building close enough to town and its services.
What is wrong with that?? Absolutely nothing!!!! It is a choice, just as much as living on a town house or in the farm, they are all choices made by individuals by their own likings.
None of them are better than the other, they are different, that's all.
Maybe living in the city on that apartment is easier many ways, but so what??? It is a choice open to anybody, who wants to live like that.

There is nothing wrong to live a simple life, to simplify things. Not everything in life has to be a struggle, there is plenty of that in store anyways..for all of us....
So what's the harm, if you relax a little, ease things up, cut back someworkload where you can, so you have time to smell the roses??

Let's keep it simple ❤