Been there,done that,moved on

Been there, done that, moved on

 There are times in our lives, when we must stop for a while - to take a deep breath, count your losses, lick your wounds and move on.
It seems to me, that now it is my time to do exactly that.
When you try hard enough something, and despite all your efforts, you are not going anywhere, or worse-you are going backwards, it is time to give up.
There is nothing wrong with that, giving up, once you are in peace with yourself that you tried hard enough. There is no point running straight towards the brick wall, hurting yourself and wasting all the precious energy on something, that doesn' t work out. It is meaningless, and it takes a toll on you, and it is not worth it.
So, you stop, you regain the energy back, you lick your wounds, no matter how long it takes, and you move on.
You gotta move on, you can't stay still and be afraid of living, even though your scars are not healed yet.
If some formula doesn't work out, you learn your lesson, and you try something else.
You try and try and try, until you find that formula, that fits like a glove.
Once you find it, you hold on to that, and put your energies to make it work for you.
It means labour, it means sacrifices, it means putting it all out there, it means to be fearless.
But if you have the courage, the guts to do that, you will be rewarded, and all your hard work and risks had paid off.
If you don't do anything,in the fear of getting hurt, you gain nothing. You remain in the same spot, you stop learning and growing, you get paralyzed by your own ghosts.

I love life, and I live it with all the emotions I have in me. I never do anything halfway, holding back, I always go 110% with full speed,no hand brakes.
And it is quite certain,that when one lives like this, and if there is a crash about to happen, it ain't a pretty sight.
But somewhere, out of that smoke and wreckage, you can see a silhoutte of a person, to raise up, shaken and injured, but slowly lifting up on her wings like a Fenix....
The flame in her heart lifts her up, everytime. It has happened before, and it will happen again.
She doesn't give up. She believes in herself, she believes in the power of dreams, and she never quits.
She is scarred, but she is determined to move on.
As long as there is heartbeat on her, as long as she still breaths, she carries on, and she does it full heartedly.
Life is precious, it is here and now, and she is about the live it like there is no tomorrow.

 

November, this ain't a love letter

November - this ain't a love letter

 Why, oh why do you have to come every year? Why do you always wear the same gloomy jacket, bringing only darkness and sucking all the day light the moment you arrive?
Why are you so cold, wet, spooky, miserable?
Is there any chance that you could sometimes, at least once every five years, be sunny and warm and cheerful?
If that's not possible, maybe you could skip a year, not arrive at all? That would be okay too.
I don't mind the fall, when the trees are wearing their colourful clothes parading on the autumn lights - that's pretty cool actually. I don't mind the first frost on the grass, the crispy air ,that' s refreshing.
I can even handle the winter itself, the snow and the freezing temperatures..I don't like it, but I can deal with it.
But what I can't deal with, is you, November.
When you come, the light goes, the warmth is gone,there is just a whole lot of nothingness...and every year the same package...
Considering the fact that I am 46 years old and there is 31 days in you, you can do the maths,can't you??
Don't you think,that you could find it a little bit overwhelming to me, to deal with this year after year after year.....
I am pretty fed up with you,to be honest. You make me all cranky and behaving like a mad cow, getting agitated and irritated of no good reason. I don't like myself when you arrive, you have bad influence on me.
So please, could you cut me some slack, or is that too much to ask?
Or at least could you let the trees keep their lovely colourful clothes a little bit longer, what's the master plan ripping them off too,since you don't seem to have anything better to replace that?
Could you maybe consider bringing the big blanket of snow when you arrive, or is it too heavy load to carry with you?
Yeah, I warned you, this ain't a love song, far from that actually.
But I am glad that you will soon be gone again, giving room to December, which is a whole different story, but I get to that one later.
November, you gloomy little devil, I wish you a good journey back to wherever it is you came from in the first place. I can't say that I will miss you when you leave, but I know that no matter how hard I wish, you just keep coming back, every year...until then:
So long, adios and arrivederci, don't let the door hit you when you leave.

Analyze this

Analyze this

  From time to time I come across to situations and people, who seem to have a great urge to analyze me-whether they know me or not.....correction, they usually have never even met me in person OR they have indeed met me, and based on that small interaction they think that they know me....

 Well, to help them " scratch this terrible itch" , I can open up a little bit who I am...I try to keep this short and on the point, but forgive me if I fail 😉.

First of all, I don't like to categorize anybody nor put any labels on them, but sometimes it is easier to use some commonly known words to simplify things,at least a little bit.

  Yes, I am introvert, and highly sensitive person.
I hate small talk, so if you are not seriously interested how am I doing, don't bother to ask it in the first place.
If you don't like my latest hair cut, be graciously quiet and say nothing, but don' t make the mistake to compliment it, since you clearly don't mean it...I don't like to be lied at.

I am very private person, and my home is very personal space to me. I am very careful,whom I invite to my home, and I have all the right to do so, without being analyzed.
My home is my sanctuary, so don' t undermine it only because you see a small camper van without any luxuries.
Yes, it is falling apart, but it is still my home, which provides me a safe place to sleep and exist.
I don't like bright lights nor loud noise, and at my tiny nest I can enjoy the peace and quiet what I need, and can be in soft candle lights or in complete darkness.
The world is filled with noise and bright lights and other elements, what cause stress and anxiety to me.
But this place, my home, here I can be in silence and solitude and re-charge my batteries for the time,when I need to get out of that door again.
What comes to that privacy, I am the one, who gets to choose what I tell about my life and to whom, and in what pace. I am distant and reserved, that I can admit without any problems, but I am not feeling guilty about it either.
I need my time to observe and get to know someone. If I am rushed to this, it will backfire and I am gone in a second.
If you are seriously interested on me, you give me the time and space to make me feel comfortable, that will show you accept me as I am. It shows me that you care enough to accomodate this need,even if you don't need it yourself.
 I also have this curiosity to wander and seek, to explore the world. It does challenge me many ways, and even thought I love to travel, it is also exhausting. My personal space then gets smaller, I don't always have the chance to withdraw and re-charge my batteries when I need to, I am put to places and situations where I am not comfortable, or to face people, who sucks all the energy out of me in the matter of seconds.
Even so, I still want to explore, I try to compromise without pushing myself too far.
I still have all the same rights to travel and explore as do extroverts, I don't have to lock myself into my home only because other people have trouble understanding my personality traits.

Society is made for extroverts,at least it has turned that way in the last decade or so.
All the group work at schools, all these special "get together days"at work etc etc.....
Even applying for jobs has become a circus, it is a parade for extroverts, but a total nightmare for us, introverts.
" Coffee-room politics" at work gives me chills, all that chit chat and gossiping, lot of noise without actually saying anything.

So how does one survive on this world, who prefers more solitude or at least meeting people one on one?
It is not easy, and there are times when I wish I wouldn't be this sensitive and introvert.
I have tried to " de- sensitize" myself a little bit, it has helped at some level, but at certain point one must remember to stay true to yourself and be bravely and genuinely exactly who you are.
Nobody should accept to be ridiculed or analyzed or critisized of who they are, that kind of behaviour is just plain wrong, and not justified at any ways.
The world needs different people, different ways of thinking and being, there is room for all .
Just remember - live and let live ❤

Honesty and trust

Honesty and trust - are they just empty words or do they actually mean something to someone?????

  I am quite a private person, and has become even more private during last years. I don't open up easily, and I am a bit reserved as well. I might at some point find myself trusting someone enough to share my life,or parts of it, and that is a  lot, coming from me. On most occasions, however, I remain reserved and stay on the shadows.
 
There are few very important values, rules of life, I follow strictly myself, and expect nothing less than that from people I interact with.
Honesty and trust!!!!!!!!
Those words are my guiding lights through this thing we call life.
If I trust you enough to tell you anything about my life, please don't pay it back with betraying my trust...you never get it back again,that is a fact.
Confidentiality - what a fancy word, usually associated with top secret highly flammable governmental decisions etc....
For me, it goes without saying, that when someone talks to me or write to me, opens up about anything, it remains between that person and myself.
Silly me, naive, to think,that it goes both ways. I can't believe, that I still have to draw a picture to someone, to actually having to  underline this very fact, that when I share something with that person, it should stay in that person's knowledge. It is not to be told to anybody else, no matter how insignificant the discussed topic might have been by the listener.
Why is this SO hard to understand?? Why is it SO hard to respect these few things I ask: honesty and trust??

 I am, thankfully, lucky to have few very close friends in my life, who I trust my whole life with. I know,that they never betray that trust, never break that bond what had been built over years. And I am quite certain they know, that I keep my part of that invisible seal what is made.

It is clearly seen, that today in this western society, the material values have pushed aside the moral values, which don't seem to matter so much. It doesn' t take much observation to notice, that cold hard cash and success makes people turn the blind eye to things, that are not so " hip" and " cool".
All the tabloids screams out which celebrity has the fanciest car and biggest house etc...
It is also seen in politics, that when achieving the power, it is all or nothing, the golden rules of respect and decency are shattered, just to get to the top, for no matter what the cost is. The game is brutal, and it has nothing to do with humanity or dignity, everything is for sale and there is no such things as honesty or confidentiality in it.
The competitors dig dirt and have no shame of using even the most private things of the other one, just as long as it justifies the means....to reach the goal.

I have been accused to be naive, too sensitive and many other ways, because I find this way how society plays, ugly and unfair.
I find myself taking more and more refuge in solitude, being close to nature, and interacting with animals- and shutting myself from people.
I am responsible of my own happiness and responsible of my own protection, there is no-one else to rely on this, it's up to me.
So, since I don' cross the busy street on red lights, why would I let someone into my life, whom I can't trust?
Yes, I am sensitive, highly sensitive, also strongly introvert, but those are not negative attributes on my opinion, and most certainly those personality traits are not harmful for other people.
That's who I am, and since I still want to be able to look myself at the mirror every night without being ashamed of myself, I keep on holding tight on those two things that matter: trust and honesty.

Time- luxury worth spending wisely

Time - luxury worth spending wisely

 It is a funny thing, time. When you are waiting for something or someone, time crawls by, so slowly that you hear your hair growing. But once you are having a great time or need something to be done, then it takes a good leap and just gallops away, leaving a trail of dust behind.
Time can be our enemy or our best friend, and we all put different value to it. But we all have it the same: 24 hours a day, 7 days in a week, 52 weeks in a year - it is up to our own individual choices, what we plan to use it for.
I have become very familiar with time. When I am on the road, I get to spend quite amount of hours waiting - bus to leave, ferry to take off etc....
Sometimes it's just a short wait, goes effortlessly, without even noticing it.
And then there are these marathons of waiting, where you have nothing but time....hours after hours after hours....
First you read and listen music, and write. Time goes faster when you have something to eat and drink as well, at least it feels like that.
If there is luck, you might be able to use internet, watch movies and surf in the facebook etc....
But at some point you lose the track of time, you stare the floor tiles and count them so many times that your eyes are teary. You follow the other passengers, what they do and where they go, wondering about what kind of lives they are living and all those sort of things.
Then you take a look at the clock on the wall, just to realize that it is only five minutes more since last time you checked at it..
Snacks are gone, you carefully check your pulse just in case you have fell to an eternal sleep while waiting.
Nope, still alive, time for coffee....
And after that third cup, time for wee....if I walk slowly to the toilet, I may be able to spend a good 5 minutes on this trip.
    Yes, the luxury of time 😉.
Sometimes it's good to be bored, it tests the patience. Not everybody has a lot of spare time to themselves, not enough to get bored at least.
There are people ,who are busy all the time, or so it seems. They go around like tiny ants, never stopping, they probably sleep their eyes open, so they don't miss anything. They keep going like there is no tomorrow.
But this is not a competition, how we each decide to use our time, nobody keeps the scores, nobody is titled to be a winner.
We just have to make the most of it,what we have gotten. We never know, when the sand has poured through the time glass, nobody has that chrystal ball.
So.....before our heart makes the last pump, before we take our last breath, let's celebrate the life and the time we have here - each and all of us, in the unique ways we choose to.

Lost - and found

  Lost - and found
     We all gotta do something to make a living, to bring the bread to the table, don't we?
And since we spend quite a big portion of our lives at work, it would be pretty neat, if you find a job, that you actually like...agreed?? Yes, I thought so.
I have never been very career orientated nor had this one big passion in my life to guide me, because I am curious about so many things.
However, out of many of my interests, I made one of them my job, that would be food and wines.
No, I am not a chef, I am a waiter.
Yeah I know what you think, anybody can do that, what kind of career is that?
Well, first of all, not anybody can do that, that's a fact. And secondly, even if it's so, so what?
I am not going to start opening up the secrets of being an excellent waiter, I am getting to the tracks when and where I lost my motivation and how did I find it.

  Somewhere along the line being refused of a job the hundred time in a row, I started to question if there was something seriously wrong with me. The seed of self- doubt had been sowed, and it grew so rapidly as a mushroom in the rain. My self- confidence was breaking apart like the Berlin wall, piece by piece. And at the same time while I was waving good-bye to my self-confidence, I was also holding a bon voyage party to my motivation, to my passion of food and to my will of working in that field.
What was left, when all that was gone? Well, not much really. Just the ruins and a very confused woman standing in front of the ruins.
A battle began, the long road to discovery was about to start. And knowing myself, the roads I pick, are never easy...quite the contrary.
There were many crossroads, many wrong turns, that all turned out to be dead-ends.
Then there were hills and curves and rocky roads, plenty of that to wore the wanderer out completely. But right when I thought that there was no energy left on my body, and that this is it for me, endless wandering in the darkness, when I was just about thinking to give up, I gave it one more effort. I pushed everything I had in me, clawed myself out of that deep hole I was about fall in, and pulled myself back to light.
I was given a sudden opportunity, out of nowhere, when I least expected it, and I took it. I held on to this opportunity with my both hands, like my life was depending on it, and just like in a goid movie, I rise to occasion and succeeded...
And then and there, pretty far away from where I once lost it, I found my motivation again.
There, in this tiny, busy kitchen, I also found my passion for food again, and that self-confidence, all those guys were back in my life again, and I promised to hold on tight to them.
Yeah, sometimes one must take drastic moves and even longest of journeys, if it's necessary to keep that sparkle in life and find that passion- which for me is the life itself, with all the flavours and aromas it can possibly cook for me.