A month ago, to be exact, I closed the door to my beloved camper-van for the very last time.
That same camper-van, which was my home, my only home, for 12 years....summers, winters and all.
It was time to move on, do something different, give room to something whole new.
And since I finally managed to pay every cent of my old debts, I was also financially free...no more monthly payments slowing me down.
So there I was, free and liberated of all burdens and heavy weight pressing on my shoulders, now what??
I didn't know what to expect...sense of relief I would imagine.
That too, but what I wasn't prepared at all, was the huge empty space that was left in me.
What am I suppose to do with all this time, all this energy, what I have, now that I don't have those regular duties I had grown so used to?
Yeah, I don' t have a mountain of bills to pay, or lawn to cut, but I also have no home to go either.
And all this time, while I wander about, my relatives and friends are carrying on with their lives wherever they are.
I couldn't even imagine, when I left home last time, that I would feel so alone, drifting aimlessly, without feeling any sense of belonging...to anywhere really.
Not feeling needed, nor wanted, just trying to stay out of people's way, not to bother anybody.
And the rainy, cloudy, grey weather certainly hasn't helped lifting the spirits.
I desperately need the warmth, and the sun more than anything.
I miss the sea surrounding me, the cliffs, the seagulls screaming...
Ireland has been a good place to me before, I was always comfortable at the emerald island.
So it was only natural to make it my first destination, when everything else in my life had changed to dramatically.
Yet, now that I am here, I feel empty.
I am having hard time to cope, it feels a lot to handle, in all good and bad.
Freedom is a tricky thing, it is not only a right, it brings responsibility as well.
For so long I had dreamt of this, opportunity to take my backpack and go for an long adventure.
And now that I am actually in it, living that life I dreamt of, I don't know why I am not happy.
I wonder if this gets any easier, I wonder if I get the hang of it, or if I am once again, not only disappointing myself, but all the others as well.
I never expected my adventure to be a holiday, a vacation, nothing like that.
I never even at my wildest dreams expected, that it would all be just fun and smiley-faces.
I knew that at some point there will be clouds and bad days as well to deal with, but somehow I thought that those days would come later, and the honeymoon with my new groom, the freedom, would last a bit longer.....
But the honeymoon hasn't really even started yet, and we already on the wrong foot with my lover.
Well, I ordered this soup, so I better grow some balls and eat it too, spicy or hot, a quitter I am not.
Ann O'Songland, playing melancolic tunes today.....
Ei kommentteja:
Lähetä kommentti