And I became me

You pushed me off the cliff,
I learned to fly.
You dropped me of the boat,
I learned to swim.
You tried to stifle me,
I learned to draw.
You took my crayons away,
I drew to the  sand with my fingers.
You left me to the desert,
I began to walk.
You took my shoes and map,
I continued barefeet following the stars.
You left me stranded,
I took companion from the wild animals.

Every obstacle you built for me,
I managed to break and set myself free.
I crawled out from the dark,moist dungeon
with my barehands towards the sun,
towards the daylight,
towards the freedom.

I became strong,
I became independent,
I became everything I am today.

Still there

Still there

 Never gone,
never forgotten.

Those feelings,
always there,
powerful and filled with emotions.

Some days hidden a bit deeper,
shy to surface.
Some days all over the places,
having a mind of its own,
impossible to control.

The feeling,
greatest of all,
Love.

Love, that was born in one winter morning.
Love, that kept growing as the days went by.
Love, that was challenged and tested to the
very extreme.

But it held tight, had a tight grip on my heart
with tiny fingers.
It was to be heard as a sweetest of laughs,
and to be seen as a brightest of smiles.

It held through the years,
it held through the rainy days
and it held through the cold nights.

It kept me company,
when I was alone.
It gave me faith,
when I was giving up.

It was always there,
it is there today,
and it will remain there for the rest of my days.

Love

The voice that was silenced

The voice that was silenced

 Do you wanna hear it?
Do you wanna hear that very voice, that was silenced,
because it wasn't appreciated in the first place?
Do you wanna hear the story, that was burnt to ashes,
because it didn't have the end expected?

Are you ready for the other side of the coin?
Are you willing to open your mind to hear my point of view,
or are you satisfied living with the assumptions given you?
Do you find it in your heart to step on my shoes,
 and take that journey, what I had to take,
to be here where I am today and who I became during that journey?
Or are you more comfortable staying put on your own shoes, sticking to your own beliefs?

I am willing to open my heart,
 giving you the possibility to take advantage of my vulnerable position,
 or to take a deep breath and hear what I have to say.
Do you wanna open that musical box in my heart,
 hear all those melodies and tunes hidden in there,
 waiting for you to let them see the daylight?

Or do you rather throw away the key, and walk away,
 and hear the more familiar notes ,more safe notes,
that gives you comfort, but not the whole truth?

My voice may have been silenced, my lips may stay closed forever, but my heart will play that melody till the very last beat it pumps.

Emotional roadkill

Emotional roadkill ( from my archives )

 I am tired,
so very tired.
No amount of sleep will help,
no amount of painkillers will relieve the pain.

Just pitch black darkness,
not the soothing kind, but the kind of darkness
that makes you dis-orientated.
I can hear my blood rushing in my brains,
humming sound that drives one insane.

Emotional rollercoaster,
without the brakeman.
Ride that never ends,
a thrill that turns out to be an agony.

Thoughts springing on my mind like the
pinball balls from one side to the other, hitting
the walls and then bouncing back.

When it all ends, when the ride runs out of its'
tracks, all is left is mayhem, dust and gravel.
All is left ,is that roadkilled creature smashed
beoynd recognition.
And the dust sets, the sound of brakes echoes in the ears, and it is all over.

Dolce far niente

Dolce far niente

There is an italian saying : Dolce far niente, which means the sweetness of doing nothing.
It sounds really easy at first, you would think so.
How hard can it be, after all?
Try it, I tell you, it takes practise.

On this hectic western society, where everything is measured by money and achievements,that has something to do with work, doing nothing can be quite a challenge.
It is frowned upon, since it certainly sounds lazy, and we are taught NOT to be lazy.
We are taught ,that we must work hard, that we must earn money and spend money, to keep the economy on its feet.
We are definetely not taught to kick back, slow down and smell the flowers...

Well, you can smell the flowers and slow down, when you have a day off or holidays...if you are lucky to have any in the first place.
But even the holidays and vacations seem to be full of activities from dawn to dusk, which has to be executed ...
- fly to destination - tick
-go to the beach - tick
-go to the sightseeing tour- tick

Etc etc..

A good traveller doesn't have permanent plans nor one tries  to arrive at the destination / Laotse, Tao Te Ching

I have now managed to slow down with moderate success.
As I was sitting on our market square early saturday morning minding my own business and enjoying my sandwich, I witnessed a busload of Chinese tourists heading towards the market square.
They all had their cameras and off they went with making memories from that very moment and that very place.
I was munching my sandwich and waved smiling to these visitors, ending up to be in a several family albums somewhere in that huge country with a big wall.
I was no Carrie Bradshaw, I definetely wasn't wearing Manolo Blahnik's and it was not the big apple, but that very moment - I owned the city, and I didn't need expensive shoes to do that.
I had it all , the time to enjoy that particular morning, the freedom to do as I pleased, and I did it with grace and style.

But it doesn't come without a price tag..
So many questions, and so little desire to answer.
I owe no explanations to anybody.
I have chosen my path, made my sacrifices to grap a hold of my dreams, so I need not answer any questions whatsoever.
I still need to make my compromises, pay my dues to live dolce far niente.
Everytime I put on my apron and go to work that I did not chose for myself, is a one step closer to my ultimate dream.
And my dream has nothing to do with fancy houses or haute cauture, or expensive five star vacations.
My  dream is the freedom  to be me,
without having to wear on the mask of an extrovert, and with the luxury of being able to breath freely.
My ultimate freedom is to have all the time to wander and explore, to be an idle traveller, moving slowly, taking it all in without a rush.
Walking is freedom!

Learning by doing - and doing what makes your heart sing

Learning by doing,
and doing what makes your heart sing

 Let's face it, I am not a city-person at all, quite the contrary.
I am happiest at the countryside and small villages, where I can smell the flowers and the earth,and where I can hear the birds singing and the wind on the trees.

I don' t like to dress up at work, I rather put on the overalls and my wellies and get down and dirty.

I can handle people, but not in the daily basis and in big numbers.
I enjoy meaningful conversations and get irritated by small talk.

I do all my jobs at my best abilities, I never cut corners.
I love food, but rather than serving it, I prefer growing it.
I enjoy wines, but rather than serving them, I would like to learn how to make them grow.

Nature and our environment is very important to me.
I care, and I wanna do my best at conserving it on my part.
I live very modest lifestyle, minimalist and humble.
I wanna learn more about sustainable living, about self sufficient lifestyle, about growing food and nurturing ourselves and the planet that we live in.
I love the companionship of other species, both domesticated and the wild creatures.

I love travelling, exploring , wandering...with all my senses wide awake.
I love long walks by the beach, or in the forest after the rain, when the air is so clean and pure,filled with oxygen.

I love to cook and eat, traditional recipes of the regions I travel and live in.
My heart breaks every time, when I see food thrown away..
Hospitals, day care centres, restaurants, grocery stores etc are shamelessly wasting edible food, when there are people, who are hungry and can't afford to buy food for their families.
There have been little improvements, but not nearly enough.
We MUST stop wasting !!!
We can all do little things to make things better, and make a difference.

So here's the thing...
I am now doing changes on my life, taking the step what is needed, to live a happy and fullfilling life.
I wanna wake up happy every morning.
Doing things, what I love and learning by doing things that I care about.

I am blessed for what I have: health, freedom, my family and friends, my adorable little home on the wheels.
But I have this driving force, endless curiosity, that fuels me always to go for that extra mile.
I never leave things halfway, it is all or nothing for me.

So, I will take care of the commitments I have made, and then I wanna take the leap of faith, to dig deeper, to do what makes my heart sing.

Isn't that, what life is all about after all?

Hörhöilyä kukkamekossa, vaan EI kukkahatussa

Hörhöilyä kukkamekossa , vaan EI kukkahatussa

 Tämä blogihan ei ole millään mittapuulla mitattuna mikään suuri taidepläjäys, ei mikään Kalevalan kaltainen kansalliseepos, ei mikään tajunnan räjäyttävä syvääluotaava dokumentaarinen pohdinta maailman tilasta.

Tämä on kukkamekkoisen, mutta EI kukkahattuisen, hörhöilijän höpötyksiä elämästä. Ei kuolemanvakavaa,ei viiltävää sarkasmia, ei hienoja sanoja.
Ihan vaan elämänmakuista turinointia, hörähtelyjä, joskus jopa hervotonta hirnuntaa...eläimellistä menoa paljain jaloin, välillä varvastossuissa kepeää keinuvaa kulkua kohti kasteista kesäniittyä.

Maailma on täynnä sotia,kuolemaa,pelkoa.
Maailma on täynnä talouskäyriä ja laskelmointia ja jäätävää politikointia.
Minun blogini ei tarvitse olla sitä, sen hoitavat muut tahot, uutiset lehdissä ja teeveessä.
Minun blogini on hyvän mielen blogi, johon mahtuu värejä ja makuja ja tuoksuja.
Se on runoja,ja tarinoita, eletystä elämästä,seikkailuista.
Se on satuja ja kertomuksia, paikoista joissa olen käynyt ja jotka on olemassa vain mielikuvituksessani.
Siihen mahtuu myös kyyneleitä, ilon ja surunkin, kiukkua ja hammastenkiristystä.

Tämä ei ole paikka kukkahatuille eikä tiukkapipoille,
täällä menee välillä puurot ja vellit sekaisin,
nakit ja muussi on suurta gourmeeta siinä missä viiden lajin illallinenkin. Nakki kaikilla mausteilla ei aina tarkoita sitä nakkia,mikä ostetaan kaupasta ja mikä sanoo poks kun se halkaistaan kahtia.
Kieli poskessa, ja mielikuvituksessa jotain muutakin...
hhmm...pastilli...😇😘

Villiä menoa aivot narikassa, ei järven hiventä,ei huolen häivää.
Introvertin ihmettelyjä muiden ihmislajin edustajien keskellä.
Aistiherkän naisen retkiä tuoksujen ja hajujen täyttämällä maapallolla. Kun paska ja tuore hiki kirvelee vähemmän silmiä kuin bussissa istuvan vieruskaverin tyrmäävä partavesi.
Itsenäisen ja omapäisen sinkkunaisen pohdintoja..

Siitä on tämä blogi tehty...
Kaksikielisestä, kaksimielisestä ja välilllä kirjoitusvirheiden maustamasta sanojen leikistä.

Tervetuloa mukaan, uudet ja vanhat!

Lämmöllä Anneli Ansku Laulumaa
                    Ann O'Songland