Carpe diem

Carpe diem - seize the moment

 Well, since it is the very last day of this year 2016, maybe it is time to take a deep breath and reflect a bit what has happened during this year.
It has been quite a year for me, very challenging year more ways so than one, and it has taken a toll naturally.
People have been coming in and going out of my life like saloon doors, back and forth....
Some left behind nothing but desert dust, others thankfully also lovely memories.
It still seems to be, that I am a handful for many people - especially for those, who don't value honesty and straight-forward attitude.
Yeah, I am far from perfect and I make my mistakes, but I have the guts and decency to apologize when I have behaved badly.
It is a whole different story how my apology has been received, it has been thrown back  at my face for more than once, but that tells volumes about the other person more than of me.
Mostly I seem to be a thorn in the butt to those certain people, who haven't got the admiration and attention they were probably expecting from me, and the egos got bruised ....too bad, what can I do..c'est la vie, eh?

But, every cloud has the silver lining. At the end of the year, there are still those real friends left, who I can always trust and whose friendship I truly value.
So I am lucky, and blessed ❤.
They love me with all my faults and stand by me in the stormiest times, they don't just vanish the moment the ride goes rough, they hold tight on the reelings and ride the storm with me.
They are also tvose people, who deserve to be by my side, when it is time for smooth sailings and amazing sunsets.

 Oh yeah, back to this year....
It was quite a rollercoaster ride, definetely not for fainthearted.
It gave me many lessons, tough ones too, but it gave me fantastic experiences just to balance the year a bit.
I spent lovely time with my son❤, whom I love soooo much, and whom I carry in my heart with me all the time, everywhere I go.
I got to witness my dear friend's happy day, when she said her vows and married the man, who she so deeply loves ❤.
I had super adventures and learnt new things along the way, met nice people and my heart got so many pawprints that are left there for good.

Even though there has been a long dry spell moneywise, been unemployed and un-appreciated, I would still say that rather than poor, I am only financially challenged.
I can not use the word poor by any means, after all I have never been homeless nor left hungry, I am also healthy and I have a freedom to go as I please wherever I want to go....
Of course having a thin wallet and at the same time passion for adventures, it takes certain amount of creativity and boldness, courage and a bit of good luck too, to make it all happen.
I have all that, and then some....
I also have the curiosity and passion for life, and that keeps me going even those bad times.
And the fact, that I am not afraid to dive into deep murky waters in my head, I am constantly learning new things of myself and gain more self-confidence on the journey.

As the year went along and got into december, I had managed to steer my little boat to safe harbour to relax a bit before new seas..
The green pastures, blue skies and the calm waters ga ve me a sense of belonging to somewhere again, which is luxury.
Most of the time, I don't really feel that I would belong anywhere, more likely being this drifting log -not completely home anywhere.
Actually, where I am never lonely, is the road itself..
When I am moving from one place to another, whether I am running or biking or on the bus etc, that's when I feel the most comfortable.
But that's okay too...
I am glad that I don't get lonely that often, it is not a nice feeling, it is overwhelming. It comes like this huge wave and pushes you under, to make you feel out of breath. It is scary and tiring,and sucks the air out of your lungs, but at some point you get back the control and start swimming to the surface to catch some air.
And once you pop up to surface again, breathing heavily, you realize that you survived again.

I survived 2016, bruised, tired, but alive and kicking. I got pushed down, but I got up on my feet every time.
And that, my friends, that is being successful.

Have a fantastic, adventurous and loved new year 2017 ❤

Ann O ' Songland

Flying solo

Flying solo, not because I have to, but because I want to

  For quite some years I have been doing this journey called life, on my own. Alone, yet not been lonely.
And let's make this clear from the get go, that being and living alone is not a synonyme to being lonely.
Those rare moments, when I actually feel lonely, are the times, when I am surrounded with lot of people, usually noisy ones too.
I like my life, it's simple, it's drama -free and it's mostly pretty darn fun too.
I am the captain of my own ship, I am the pilot of my own Cessna, I am the leader- the alfa wolf of my own pack. And I like to keep it that way too. When I am the only one, who has the key to my happiness, I don' t get those nasty surprises being betrayed and left heart broken.
I know, that I answer only to myself, and when I screw up, I am the one who has to fix it and do the correcting moves. I am responsible to myself and in the end of the day, the only person I trust 100%, is looking me back from the mirror.
I have made my life during these last years quite like I wanted, my life represents me, who I am, very well indeed.
It has been my goal, to make it mirror my soul and my values and my passions. And I quess I have succeeded on it, at least for the most part, and that' s what counts.
Money and material values have never played a big part in my life, and it shows in everything: how I live and where I live, how I travel etc.....
There is certain type of modesty, and simplicity, in what I do.
There are those few major things, which are an absolute must in how I behave and how I expect others to behave with me: trust and honesty.
It is vital, that one is truly genuine from the core, no add on manouvers, no masks, no roles.
And when I have chosen to fly solo in the future too, I know that whatever happens, I will make it through.
No matter how bad the turbulence, I will fly through it.
It gives me comfort to know, that my wings are strong enough to lift me up and carry me on, even when they are bruised from the storms.
It gives me a peace in mind to know, that the engine inside me, althought it may cough and be light on fuel occasionally, in the end - it will always take me safely to the runway, always.
Flying solo takes me to the places, I never thought I could be going, yet I find myself admiring the sunset of a lifetime or waking up to a most beautiful sunrise.
I have the courage, the will-power, the adventurous soul, the love for life - and with all that everything is possible - I just have to take off and rise up to the skies.....

In the land of fifty shades of green

In the land of fifty shades of green

  Well well, the restless wanderer is back in the emerald island, I have been here from monday and I already feel like a huge load of weight has been shifted from my shoulders.
I feel like myself again : cheery, sunny person with a smile on my face and spark in my eyes. The dark and gloomy curtain has faded away, and I can see and hear everything so clearly now, I can smell the flowers and the air after the rain....
Yeah, I really needed this so badly, this change of sceneries and weather as well.
I feel it in my run as well, my feet are back to the rhytm and the movement is effortless, light, pleasant.
I am enjoying my dear hobby again from the bottom of my heart, after struggling with the lack of motivation to go running the whole fall...
But now all that burden has vanished and I feel like flying, my facial muscles are relaxed and I can feel the big smile taking over my mouth lighting up my eyes like stars.
Every morning I wake up well rested and in good mood, ready for the day ahead of me.
This is the best therapy I could possibly have, and it came as a form of shamrocks and sheep, it came dressed in green and sounding like a up-beat traditional music echoing of the walls from the pub filled with joyous people.
My home away from home this is, Ireland. I am thrilled to be here again, seeing what it has in store for me, what stories to tell and lessons to teach for me.
And I am so ready for everything, what it has on its michievious mind.
Past is past, and so it has to be.
Because if we keep ourselves anchored in our past, we can neverturn the page and see what happens in the next chapter in our lives.
I wanna go forward, feel everything passionately and enjoy life like everyday would be my last on this earth.
Would you join me on this ride?? Would you be with me,when I turn that page and begin that new chapter? Will you be part of that story, or rather be left in the history?
That, my friend, is up to you. But should you decide carry on with me, don' t hold me back - let me feel the wind beneath my wings and fly...free as a bird.

The mysterious world of the single markets

The mysterious world of the "single market"

 This needs a little bit of opening up, so you get the picture - or at least I hope so.
So, let's get started, shall we??

  Let' s say you are buying a house. The real estate agent manages to win you over with some high superlatives ( in addition to serious sucking up, that comes with territory)and you are one step away from being a happy home owner....
Of course you go to see the house first before signing the papers to be married with the bank for the rest of your life.
The realtor told you about this gourgeous house in a very good location for commuting, and since your hubby likes to fix things a little bit, the house is perfect for d.i.y person.
So you are really excited about seeing your dream home, filled with hopes and fantasies.....
Until - the ugly reality hits you under the belt,and you can see your dreams growing wings and flying away the moment you see the house.
Well, talking about the good location....IF you like to live right beside a busy highway, then it's perfect for you.
Also, the hubby might like ocassionally fix a little bit here and a little bit there, but building the whole house,which is pretty much falling apart, might not be on his agenda.
So......now what?? I bet you are disappointed, angry, sad and various other things as well, and you feel like doing some butt-kicking to underline your emotions, but you definetely feel like you have been lied at and given false information and mislead you on purpose.

  Well, let's get back to the main point, the subject of this posting, the mysterious world of the single markets.
It seems quite regular practise, that the single markets are filled with these " promising houses" ,which are marketed to you by real estate agents, who are not at all familiar with the product they are selling - that being themselves.
It all goes wrong right from the start, when the " sales add" is far from reality.
There are occasions, that even the picture is wrong.
So, if you go to the car shop looking for that porche and you get to see the old bruised toyota waiting at the far end of parking lot, you might be a little bit loss of words.

Honesty goes long way with everything, because if you lie, it comes back and bites your ass at some point.
There is less remembering, when you are truthful, to yourself and to everybody else.
I am not saying that you have to undermine yourself,talk down about yourself, nothing like that.
But it is very important, that you actually know who you are, and what you want, and why do you want it in the first place.
If you don' t know that, you are in trouble - not only in your market speech why would you make a good spouse to someone, but because you don't even know yourself who you are.
Because you know it yourself, that if you make a purchase of something and once you receive it and it is nothing like described on the add, you will want to return it and get a refund...and rightfully so.
But if you go and get involved with somebody,and it is all  based on false information, what then??
The person you misleaded on, won't get refund back of that time,that was invested on you. She/he won't get a refund of emotions and feelings that was invested on you.
So, for the future's sake, make it right from the beginning, be genuinely exactly who you are, because in the long run, only that will lead you towards your dreams, without having to giving up of your dignity and values.

Been there,done that,moved on

Been there, done that, moved on

 There are times in our lives, when we must stop for a while - to take a deep breath, count your losses, lick your wounds and move on.
It seems to me, that now it is my time to do exactly that.
When you try hard enough something, and despite all your efforts, you are not going anywhere, or worse-you are going backwards, it is time to give up.
There is nothing wrong with that, giving up, once you are in peace with yourself that you tried hard enough. There is no point running straight towards the brick wall, hurting yourself and wasting all the precious energy on something, that doesn' t work out. It is meaningless, and it takes a toll on you, and it is not worth it.
So, you stop, you regain the energy back, you lick your wounds, no matter how long it takes, and you move on.
You gotta move on, you can't stay still and be afraid of living, even though your scars are not healed yet.
If some formula doesn't work out, you learn your lesson, and you try something else.
You try and try and try, until you find that formula, that fits like a glove.
Once you find it, you hold on to that, and put your energies to make it work for you.
It means labour, it means sacrifices, it means putting it all out there, it means to be fearless.
But if you have the courage, the guts to do that, you will be rewarded, and all your hard work and risks had paid off.
If you don't do anything,in the fear of getting hurt, you gain nothing. You remain in the same spot, you stop learning and growing, you get paralyzed by your own ghosts.

I love life, and I live it with all the emotions I have in me. I never do anything halfway, holding back, I always go 110% with full speed,no hand brakes.
And it is quite certain,that when one lives like this, and if there is a crash about to happen, it ain't a pretty sight.
But somewhere, out of that smoke and wreckage, you can see a silhoutte of a person, to raise up, shaken and injured, but slowly lifting up on her wings like a Fenix....
The flame in her heart lifts her up, everytime. It has happened before, and it will happen again.
She doesn't give up. She believes in herself, she believes in the power of dreams, and she never quits.
She is scarred, but she is determined to move on.
As long as there is heartbeat on her, as long as she still breaths, she carries on, and she does it full heartedly.
Life is precious, it is here and now, and she is about the live it like there is no tomorrow.

 

November, this ain't a love letter

    Why, oh why do you have to arrive  every year?

 Why do you always wear the same gloomy jacket, bringing only darkness and sucking all the day light the moment you arrive?

Why are you so cold, wet, spooky, miserable?
Is there any chance that you could sometimes, at least once every five years, be sunny and warm and cheerful?

If that's not possible, maybe you could skip a year, not arrive at all? 

That would be okay too.
I don't mind the fall, when the trees are wearing their colourful clothes parading on the autumn lights - that's pretty cool actually. 

I don't mind the first frost on the grass, the crispy air ,that' s refreshing.
I can even handle the winter itself, the snow and the freezing temperatures..I don't like it, but I can deal with it.

But what I can't deal with, is you, November.
When you come, the light goes, the warmth is gone,there is just a whole lot of nothingness...and every year the same package...

   Don't you think,that you could find it a little bit overwhelming to me, to deal with this year after year after year.....

  I am pretty fed up with you,to be honest.

 You make me all cranky and behaving like a mad cow, getting agitated and irritated for no good reason. 

I don't like myself when you arrive, you have bad influence on me.
So please, could you cut me some slack, or is that too much to ask?

Or at least could you let the trees keep their lovely colourful clothes just  a little bit longer? What's the master plan ripping them off too,since you don't seem to have anything better to replace them with?

Could you maybe consider bringing the big blanket of snow when you arrive, or is it too heavy load to carry with you?

Yeah, I warned you, this ain't a love song, far from that actually.
But I am glad that you will soon be gone again, giving room to December, which is a whole different story, but I get to that one later.

November, you gloomy little devil, I wish you a good journey back to wherever it is you came from in the first place.

 I can't say that I will miss you when you leave, but I know that no matter how hard I wish,

you just keep coming back, every year...until then:
So long, adios and arrivederci, don't let the door hit you when you leave.

( photos © Anneli Laulumaa )

Analyze this

Analyze this

  From time to time I come across to situations and people, who seem to have a great urge to analyze me-whether they know me or not.....correction, they usually have never even met me in person OR they have indeed met me, and based on that small interaction they think that they know me....

 Well, to help them " scratch this terrible itch" , I can open up a little bit who I am...I try to keep this short and on the point, but forgive me if I fail 😉.

First of all, I don't like to categorize anybody nor put any labels on them, but sometimes it is easier to use some commonly known words to simplify things,at least a little bit.

  Yes, I am introvert, and highly sensitive person.
I hate small talk, so if you are not seriously interested how am I doing, don't bother to ask it in the first place.
If you don't like my latest hair cut, be graciously quiet and say nothing, but don' t make the mistake to compliment it, since you clearly don't mean it...I don't like to be lied at.

I am very private person, and my home is very personal space to me. I am very careful,whom I invite to my home, and I have all the right to do so, without being analyzed.
My home is my sanctuary, so don' t undermine it only because you see a small camper van without any luxuries.
Yes, it is falling apart, but it is still my home, which provides me a safe place to sleep and exist.
I don't like bright lights nor loud noise, and at my tiny nest I can enjoy the peace and quiet what I need, and can be in soft candle lights or in complete darkness.
The world is filled with noise and bright lights and other elements, what cause stress and anxiety to me.
But this place, my home, here I can be in silence and solitude and re-charge my batteries for the time,when I need to get out of that door again.
What comes to that privacy, I am the one, who gets to choose what I tell about my life and to whom, and in what pace. I am distant and reserved, that I can admit without any problems, but I am not feeling guilty about it either.
I need my time to observe and get to know someone. If I am rushed to this, it will backfire and I am gone in a second.
If you are seriously interested on me, you give me the time and space to make me feel comfortable, that will show you accept me as I am. It shows me that you care enough to accomodate this need,even if you don't need it yourself.
 I also have this curiosity to wander and seek, to explore the world. It does challenge me many ways, and even thought I love to travel, it is also exhausting. My personal space then gets smaller, I don't always have the chance to withdraw and re-charge my batteries when I need to, I am put to places and situations where I am not comfortable, or to face people, who sucks all the energy out of me in the matter of seconds.
Even so, I still want to explore, I try to compromise without pushing myself too far.
I still have all the same rights to travel and explore as do extroverts, I don't have to lock myself into my home only because other people have trouble understanding my personality traits.

Society is made for extroverts,at least it has turned that way in the last decade or so.
All the group work at schools, all these special "get together days"at work etc etc.....
Even applying for jobs has become a circus, it is a parade for extroverts, but a total nightmare for us, introverts.
" Coffee-room politics" at work gives me chills, all that chit chat and gossiping, lot of noise without actually saying anything.

So how does one survive on this world, who prefers more solitude or at least meeting people one on one?
It is not easy, and there are times when I wish I wouldn't be this sensitive and introvert.
I have tried to " de- sensitize" myself a little bit, it has helped at some level, but at certain point one must remember to stay true to yourself and be bravely and genuinely exactly who you are.
Nobody should accept to be ridiculed or analyzed or critisized of who they are, that kind of behaviour is just plain wrong, and not justified at any ways.
The world needs different people, different ways of thinking and being, there is room for all .
Just remember - live and let live ❤