Oh, being awkward - welcome to my life, part 2.3

Oh ,  being awkward - welcome to my life, part 2.3

  I don't even know where to start, or how to start.
But being awkward is something so familiar to me, that if a day goes by without stumbling on my two left feet, that'll be the day to remember.

 It is not, that I would lack social skills, I can actually behave myself.
There is just something clumsy about me, especially when it comes to men.

First of all, flirting.
Is it something edible??
I have never grasp this skill myself, and I am not about to start it when getting close to that big five o.
Because that, ladies and gentlemen, would be painful to witness.
And I sure as hell still don't get it, if somebody tries to flirt with me.
I don't realize that somebody is actually flirting with me, even if you hit me with a brick.
Try to wink at me, and I would think that you got something in your eye.
Try to come and chat with me, casually flirting, making your best moves, and I would only be irritated.
So it is best to save those cheesy lines to somebody, who is at the same level with you, because with me your talent will be wasted for sure.

 Second...being on the queue at the supermarket...
Any man standing behind me or in front of me, no reaction there.
Well, replace that man with a firefighter and wait a second...
....and we have a winner!!!
To this date  I don't know, what is it about these everyday heroes of this particular profession, that gets me all confused.
But they certainly do that, with the maximum effect on that awkwardness.
Not only the colour of my face will be mimicing superbly their fire engines, but I manage to embarrass myself in every way possible.
My hands are shaking, I am either completely out of words or I mumble something ridiculously stupid, that I actually wish I had said nothing at all.
I drop things...my purse, my keys, my bank card...
Give anything to me, and I will drop it.

I will confess, that I have actually walked straight to the streetlamps when there has been a sighting of a firefighter.
I have almost fell of my bike because the very same reason.
I don't get it, so I suppose it remains a mystery till the end of my days.

 Oh well....at least I keep everybody well entertained.

In general,I get along with men better than with women.
But at some point I am left behind very confused and dizzy, and don't know what hit me.
It is not really a big surprise, that I am still single...

 Well, that is a whole different chapter, which actually, has nothing to do with anything mentioned above.
I ' ll get to that chapter another day, but there is still many hours of today left to go enjoying my weirdness ...

With love and laughter Ann O'Songland

Don't try to tame me- run wild with me

Don't try to tame me, run wild with me

 Run wild with me
Run through the forests,
on the shores of the secluded beaches.
Wake up with me to the first ray of sun,
enjoy the cooling breeze caressing our warm bodies.
Take a walk with me,
free of boundaries of time and space.
Laugh with me,
 and let the sound of our laughter get mixed up
with the sound of the surrounding nature.
Run wild with me!
Don't try to harness me,
don't try to capture me,
don't try to tame me.
Set me free, and enjoy the rainbows and storms
beside me.
For it is meant to be,
for me - I am meant to be free.
Would you join me,
and keep me company?
Run with me,
run with me!

The home is in me

The home is in me

 Home, to me at least, is not a physical place,
 but rather a state of mind.
It is not a building of any kind, situated to a certain place.
Home is in me, it is in my heart.
It is not restricted to boundaries of walls nor the boundaries of national borders.
I carry home with me, wherever I go.
 I make my home along the way.

Sometimes my home has been in a tiny island at the fisherman's cozy quarters,
where the fireplace has kept us both warm in the rainy misty days.
Sometimes my home has been in a very spacious,
modern  swiss chalet.
My home has also been in a cute little caravan,
 for quite some time actually.
It has also been in a farm surrounded by green fields and curious little woollies.
My home has been also one bunk bed in a hostel.

Home to me, is a state of mind.
I never consider myself homeless,
even when I don't have that one place just for myself,
 where my nametag decorates the door.

Home is in my heart, and in my head.
Home is, where I feel safe, and alive.

Those little voices inside

Those little voices inside

  I am not talking about any voices in my head, so no need to worry.
I am talking about those two very powerful voices inside me, that has guided me through all the rocky roads and storms I have come through..
The voice of my conscience and that of my intuition, the sixth sense.
They are both very loud, even when they are just whispering to me.
No need to yell anyway, because I have always paid attention, what they have said to me and listened acutely.

 The voice of my conscience..
I can rely to it at all times, I never need to worry to take the shady paths, because this voice makes sure, that I will take the moment before I act on anything.
All these years it has proven to be right, proven that I can indeed count on it whatever it is I am doing.
Even when I am just playing at my thoughts to do something naughty and questionable, it is my conscience that stops me  right to the track.

" Don't do it. Take a deep breath, and give it a moment. You will see it for yourself that it is not worth it." That is, what my conscience whispers to me.

I am so grateful to it, that it keeps me out of michieves and troubles. It saves me from whole lotta drama and regrets and remorse, because it is always one step ahead of me.

And what about the other strong and silent type? That sixth sense, my intuition?
Another little inner voice I am deeply grateful for.
It has been more than once,when it has sent me clues through my body, that something is not right now.
It talks to me using all my senses, my muscles, every cell of my body to make it sure, that I get the point.
My heart pumps faster, the palms of my hands get sweaty, all my senses are sharpened to very maximum capacity.
Then it is up to me to decide, whether I need to flight, fight or freeze...the latest has never been my choice of action.
Years have taught me to pick my battles more carefully.  No matter how careful you are, when you enter a battle, even if you win, there will be damage, there will be battle wounds that need to be healed.
That is why I pick the flight-option more often than stay to be wounded, maybe even lethally so.
So I choose to avoid conflicts, if it can be avoided.

It is also my intuition that guides me through the crossroads, when my vision is compromised and I can't see clearly where to go, what road to choose.
It is my intuition, that again finds its way to send me the clue, so I can make a sound decision based to this loyal navigator, who lives in the very core of me.

Together these two, my conscience and my intuition, keeps me on the right track in every important way, that actually count.
It is to their efficiency, and to my will to listen them, that every evening I can watch myself from the mirror without having to feel ashamed of myself.
I can fall asleep with clean conscience, and I can be at peace with myself.

When one has a special gift, it needs to be heard ❤

I wanted to share this music link with all of you.
He is a talented young Canadian man, gifted with a beautiful heart ❤.

Mikael / Chlaustrophobic
Vocals & lyrics: Mika Laulumaa

https://youtu.be/xpUL4rCkMFY

Sunshine or storm - read my face

Sunshine or storm - read my face

  Mom told me, when I was a kid, that stick to the truth, so there is less to remember.
She also told me never go gambling, because even a blind mouse can read my face,what cards I am holding.
Cheers, thanks mom 😊.
But she knew what she was talking about, she knew her daughter well enough to pass on this memorable, and good advices.

It is not the first time I have been told, that my face shows everything, what I am thinking at that moment.
So even if I somehow manage to keep my mouth shut (which is a task itself alone), take a look at my face and you would know pretty sure what I was holding back.
My face and facial muscles have a life of its own, I can't control at all, what happens there...it is impossible.
I have tried, but failed miserabely.
It just does what it wants, so in behalf of my miscievious face, I apologise already.

 There is a good side to this as well. You see, when having any kind of relationship with me, if you pay attention to my face, it is like my personal weather forecast.

The sun is shining and birds are singing..
A big smile at my face, eyes sparkling, a bit naughty grin, all is good.

When you should get worried and look for a cover from storm heading towards you, ain't smiling any more.
Forehead in wrinkles that a shar pei would envy, mouth upside down, eyes getting bit more closed...
Incoming....run for your lives!!

Even the tiniest change of my mood can be read of my face, but the closer attention you pay for this , the better you come predicting weather in Anskuland.
Is it a time to open the umbrella and seek shelter from the shitstorm, or is it time to put on your sunglasses to prevent you from blindness as my radiant smile lightens up the whole room??

See, with a face like this, your occupation should be under careful consideration.
I have worked in customer service past few years , and it is quite certain, that some grumpy clients saw it from my face, where I was sending them in my mind..
..somewhere,where the sun doesnt shine to say the least.
You can all breath peacefully from now on and dont have to wonder anymore is it going to be me, who serves your coffee.
I am getting to other field of work completely, that is again a whole different story, I keep you up to date.
But - at least I can make these jokes to my future clients, when I am serving their meals : " why the long face " , LOL 😉 " hey, something wrong with the hay"
" let the horse do the worrying, it has a bigger head"..
Oops, it IS indeed the horse, that will be my future client.
I hope that our sense of humour will be the same, or my sorry ass will be literally kicked from here to China..
Seriously speaking, really excited about my future plans and opportunity to take care of horses and learning about equine care.
If you would be sitting against me now, it would be easy to read it from my face..
That happy broad smile of an Staffordshire bull terrier is on my face, eyes sparkling and a tongue hanging out of my mouth ...
By the way, you are welcome of that image 😉

With love Ansku

One day of my life being an introvert

One day of my life being an introvert

 It is safe to say, that I am a constant source of enterntainment , at least to myself.
Maybe not at that particular moment when I have managed to do or say something weird or embarrasing, but give it a minute...or two...and voila - you 've got yourself some comedy.
 And I don't even have to try, it seems to become naturally to me.
I am just being me,in good days and in bad days.
And here I thought that when I cut my hair off to be bold, there will never be a bad hair day again.
Oh well, at least I saved in shampoos.

Anyway, I have always been an introvert, ever since I was a kid.
But it seems to be, that with the age added to my life, I have become even more introverted...so much so, that this endearing personality trait gives me certainly daily dose of laughter.
At some things, I am really strict with my habits and routines, it is ridiculous.
I have my own place in sauna where I always sit, it is the top "shelf" and right next to the door, on the left.
I just always sit there, thats it.
Lord and behold, one day I went to sauna, took a shower and stepped into the loving warmth of that pleasure room - just to discover, that somebody was sitting on my place 😱. My place????
That was truly shocking to my sensitive nerve system, so what did I do...
....I just stared this poor lady for a while, blinked very slowly few times, took a one-eighty and back to the  shower and to the safety of my own little home.
Indeed, what a horrible crime had been committed, to sit on my spot.
Of course it was impossible to enjoy sauna at any other spots, and there were plenty of space, but not my corner.

 And that, my friends, was just one incident.

When I am at home, at my basecamp, I usually always go to the same grocery store at the town.
And - I always go from the same entrance in and out as well.
Until the day....
...when those telephone connection marketers had took over that part of the shop.
I know they have a smell of a well trained canine for drugs, those people can smell an introvert miles away.
And crikey can they attack....no mercy whatsoever!!
And a really bad memory!!
How the hell they can forget so fast people's faces??
They just tried to get me to change my phone company like a minute ago...
Yet when I come back, here they are again, like I was a completely new person.
I know they see a lot of people during the day, but C'mon people, I am a face that shouldnt be that easy to forget.
A boldie with a smile of a Staffordshire bullterrier ( if I am in the good mood) and a smoking hot body...well, luke warm then - how can anybody forget that??

Anyway, because these dudes kidnapped my entrance to my grocery store, I had to start using the other entrance, but things went south right away.
I forgot  to buy toilet paper, because I entered the shop from the wrong door, and wasn't used to do my shoppings in that order.

 So yes, life can be sometimes a bit challenging, but I survived.
At home, in my tiny little basecamp, I also have these peculiar habits and routines.
I always sit in the same side of the couch, have my morning rituals in the very same manner every single day, same thing on the evening.

 You would think now, that how is it possible, that this very same person who has this comedy-like routines, could actually operate if the safe routines are messed up big time?
Well, every once in a while I like to stir things up a little bit, so I travel.
I do those little trips, when I go somewhere and volunteer doing something interesting and live with a local at their homes etc...
So my own familiar routines are mixed up , sometimes pretty well indeed.
And here she comes again...with a speed of a light she has come up with a new set of routines, which she follows carefully and to be precise.

 Oh well, welcome to my life.
And let me tell you, there is more to come.
So get your pop corns ready, take a comfortable position and stay tuned... because the fun is just starting.

With love Ansku

I ran out of words

I ran out of words,
yet so much to say.
But in my head it looks like
an explosion of a dictionary and an encyclopedia.
Just remains of words all over,
 as my thoughts are trying to walk through all those alphabets spreaded around,
without making any sense.
I am trying to open my mouth to say something,
to create a word, but silence remains,
 as I am no longer capable of making a sound.
It is still so noisy in my head though,
I just can't put it all together.
So I sit down,
I look around the chaos that surrounds me.
I feel so tired,
I feel helpless.
And for the first time,
I feel lost, and I can't find my way out.
Like those labyrinths,
I keep making wrong turns,
and getting deeper and deeper somewhere,
just not finding the exit.
Silence in my head joins the silence around me.
I curl up to a ball,
close my eyes, so the darkness wouldn't be so
overwhelming.
I listen the blood running in my veins,
I can hear, and feel my heartbeat.
I just want to sleep,
because it is only in my dreams that I can still
remain happy and it is only in my dreams,
where everything makes sense again.

And I became me

You pushed me off the cliff,
I learned to fly.
You dropped me of the boat,
I learned to swim.
You tried to stifle me,
I learned to draw.
You took my crayons away,
I drew to the  sand with my fingers.
You left me to the desert,
I began to walk.
You took my shoes and map,
I continued barefeet following the stars.
You left me stranded,
I took companion from the wild animals.

Every obstacle you built for me,
I managed to break and set myself free.
I crawled out from the dark,moist dungeon
with my barehands towards the sun,
towards the daylight,
towards the freedom.

I became strong,
I became independent,
I became everything I am today.

Still there

Still there

 Never gone,
never forgotten.

Those feelings,
always there,
powerful and filled with emotions.

Some days hidden a bit deeper,
shy to surface.
Some days all over the places,
having a mind of its own,
impossible to control.

The feeling,
greatest of all,
Love.

Love, that was born in one winter morning.
Love, that kept growing as the days went by.
Love, that was challenged and tested to the
very extreme.

But it held tight, had a tight grip on my heart
with tiny fingers.
It was to be heard as a sweetest of laughs,
and to be seen as a brightest of smiles.

It held through the years,
it held through the rainy days
and it held through the cold nights.

It kept me company,
when I was alone.
It gave me faith,
when I was giving up.

It was always there,
it is there today,
and it will remain there for the rest of my days.

Love

The voice that was silenced

The voice that was silenced

 Do you wanna hear it?
Do you wanna hear that very voice, that was silenced,
because it wasn't appreciated in the first place?
Do you wanna hear the story, that was burnt to ashes,
because it didn't have the end expected?

Are you ready for the other side of the coin?
Are you willing to open your mind to hear my point of view,
or are you satisfied living with the assumptions given you?
Do you find it in your heart to step on my shoes,
 and take that journey, what I had to take,
to be here where I am today and who I became during that journey?
Or are you more comfortable staying put on your own shoes, sticking to your own beliefs?

I am willing to open my heart,
 giving you the possibility to take advantage of my vulnerable position,
 or to take a deep breath and hear what I have to say.
Do you wanna open that musical box in my heart,
 hear all those melodies and tunes hidden in there,
 waiting for you to let them see the daylight?

Or do you rather throw away the key, and walk away,
 and hear the more familiar notes ,more safe notes,
that gives you comfort, but not the whole truth?

My voice may have been silenced, my lips may stay closed forever, but my heart will play that melody till the very last beat it pumps.

Emotional roadkill

Emotional roadkill ( from my archives )

 I am tired,
so very tired.
No amount of sleep will help,
no amount of painkillers will relieve the pain.

Just pitch black darkness,
not the soothing kind, but the kind of darkness
that makes you dis-orientated.
I can hear my blood rushing in my brains,
humming sound that drives one insane.

Emotional rollercoaster,
without the brakeman.
Ride that never ends,
a thrill that turns out to be an agony.

Thoughts springing on my mind like the
pinball balls from one side to the other, hitting
the walls and then bouncing back.

When it all ends, when the ride runs out of its'
tracks, all is left is mayhem, dust and gravel.
All is left ,is that roadkilled creature smashed
beoynd recognition.
And the dust sets, the sound of brakes echoes in the ears, and it is all over.